The Wrong Way to Approach a Potential Client or a Woman at a Bar
There are a lot of reasons to self-publish instead of traveling the traditional route, as Robert Bevan explains well. My reasons are many, but I’ll be honest; maintaining creative control and not sharing profits with people who put significantly less time and effort than I do into the project are like 90% of it.
And forgive me for being Texan as fuck for a second, but I think working hard and remaining as independent as possible are what we should all strive for. Maybe that’s just because when it starts to pay off, it feels better than sex, y’all. Even the kind where the woman gets off, too.
That said, my Jessica Christ series has been doing pretty well for itself lately, so cue unsolicited publisher interest.
Below is a back and forth I just wrapped up today, and by wrapped up, I mean I shouted, “Fuuuuuuuhk this guy!” and proceeded to grab a cider from the fridge:
Hi Claire,
I just wanted to check in and ask if you had thought about submitting your Jessica Christ series for professional publishing, with a view to full retail sales (rather than just Amazon)?
We are looking for smart, funny series at the moment — and edgy with it. Of course, this series certainly ticks all the boxes!
Best,
Bob [not his name]
Okay, so this is all very flattering, I have to say. I was approached, and complimented. Uh, yeah, I’ll take it. Except I’m not on the market. And to be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure this wasn’t a scam. I checked out the website of the publisher he claimed to represent, and even if I were in the market, this would be the wrong fit. So I responded as succinctly and politely as possible:
Hi Bob,
Thanks for the interest. I’m going to keep down the indie publishing route for the time being.
All the best,
Claire
Ah yes. Clear, pleasant, not mincing words. End of exchange, obviously, right? Uh no.
Hi Claire,
That’s a shame, we have global distribution and have managed in a short time to develop contacts in some of the largest media organisations in the world, not to mention some of the biggest book store chains. Similarly, our success last year means we have a lot of atheist organisations and allies who would love to get behind a series like this.
If you change your mind, please don’t hesitate to give me a shout.
Bob
Apparently, Bob falls into the group of people who believe indies publish the way we do because we either a) don’t know better or b) can’t get better. “That’s a shame”? No, your comma splice is a shame, Bob. And judging by his assumption that my books are for an atheist audience, he clearly hasn’t actually read any of them. Do your homework, buckeroo.
Also, you know who else has global distribution and sells a lot of books? Amazon. Maybe I’ll go wide eventually, but Amazon is treating me okay at the moment.
So I responded a little more clearly.
Hi Bob,
I thank you again for your interest, but my reasons for staying independent are many. Similarly, my themes aren’t atheist, per se, so while I’m thrilled when atheists connect with the message (just like I’m thrilled when any religious folks connect with the message), aligning heavily with any organized ideological group — religious or atheist — is actually the opposite of what my series is about and wouldn’t mesh well with my readership. Thank you, though.
All the best,
Claire
So maybe it was obvious that I was writing that with gritted teeth. And some of you might be thinking, Claire, I seriously don’t get why you’re so annoyed. Wait for it. You’ll understand in a minute.
He immediately responds with:
You don’t have to cut out other parts of your audience by mobilising one or two sections of a readership better — indeed every well known author does this naturally — but anyway, it sounds like you have other reasons for not wanting to push these books out further afield. I wish you the best of luck in continuing the Amazon route on it’s own.
Rob
Oh gee! Thanks for the unsolicited opinion! Just like the salutation is implied in this one, so is the “Well, actually…” All from someone whose catalogue includes, like, two books that other people wrote and then a handful of public domain works. And that last line? You can just hear the bitterness, and if you can’t, you’re tone deaf.
This exchange on its own may not have left a bad taste in my mouth, except I’ve had this exchange with men before in a thousand different ways. The most obvious one, and probably the most universal, takes place at a bar. Allow me to set the scene and break it down for you.
I’m sitting alone at a bar, drinking a Bulleit Bourbon on the rocks and watching a soccer match on TV. Let me be clear that in this scenario I am in my happy place. I might also be eating wings, which makes it even better. I didn’t invite anyone to come with me because I didn’t want anyone around. I simply wanted to get out of the house and watch the game and drink bourbon and maybe eat wings and then go home and probably take a nap.
A man approaches and takes the seat next to me. He smiled at me and says, “Hi, I’m Bob. I noticed you sitting alone, and I saw you were watching the game. I like soccer, too, and you’re a good looking woman, so I thought I might join you so you don’t have to watch it alone.”
I’m flattered, so I listen to his spiel, nod along, then say, “Oh cool. That’s flattering, but I kind of just wanted to watch the game alone. I mean, this is the way I wanted it. I like it like this.”
He chuckles patronizingly. “Sure, sure. Of course. Are you familiar with offsides? It’s a fairly common rule for people to be confused about, so I’d be happy to explain it to you.”
“No thanks. I know what offsides is. I used to coach so — ”
“What are you drinking?”
“Bulleit Bourbon.”
He nods sympathetically. “Ah, okay. Will you at least let me buy you a Jim Beam on the rocks?”
“Uh, nah, dude. I’m nowhere near done with this drink, and Jim Beam is literally the only bourbon improved by adding a roofie.”
“Listen, I’m just trying to be nice here and help you out by keeping you company.”
“I appreciate the gesture, I guess, but I want to be alone. So. Bye.”
I turn my attention to the TV again, and he says, “Fine. Enjoy being a lonely loser and having to pay for your own drinks,” and storms off.
See the similarities? Just another guy who sees a woman doing something on her own and assumes his mere presence can improve her life.
Perhaps I’m being sensitive here, but even the softest brush of an unwelcome hand on your skin, when done for long enough, can leave you raw.
This isn’t to say that if someone with a proven track record of success in marketing humor fiction or with “HBO” in their name came along I wouldn’t be willing to negotiate. But know what you’re working with, y’all. Do your research.
And a word to both publishers and dudes at bars: If you keep pushing until we have to be a “bitch” to get through to you, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own when you find yourself surrounded by bitches.
