This Writer Identity Crisis Isn’t What You’d Expect
The world is facing an identity crisis, but probably not like you think.
Through my work with Enneagram, the lure of identity has shown itself to be a major problem we each face.
And yes, I understand that it sounds counterintuitive for a framework that literally sorts people by “types” to warn against the perils of identity. Hear me out.
My considerations on this topic were launched years ago from a book for law enforcement officers, of all things.
When my husband was in the police academy, the department hosted “family nights” that I attended. Most of it was the bullshit you’d expect about our responsibility as (predominantly) wives to baby our LEO spouses, but then they handed me this book called Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement.
My inner Hermione obviously understood the assignment and read it from cover to cover in a few days. It was eye opening.
One thing that struck me was the warning to officers about how they viewed their career, explaining that “I am a cop” is unhealthy, whereas “I work in law enforcement” is just a fact about something they currently do and could stop doing at any point.
You are a person who does a particular thing for money, but it’s not all of who you are, and when you make it all of who you are, one little snag in that arena will rock your whole world. You have nothing else in your life by which to steady yourself. And if you get fired? WHO are you then?
That got me thinking all those years ago about how writers like myself and my clients identify. “I am a writer” is an emotionally risky attachment, whereas “I write books” describes one of the things you do.
The difference might seem subtle, but it’s everything.
When you’re a writer and your book launch flops (which will inevitably happen), then what does that say about YOU? Oh no!
But if you write books and your launch is a bust, then it won’t hit as hard, and you can see your actions as actions rather than a reflection of or verdict on who you are.
This isn’t revolutionary shit I’m talking about. You’ve probably heard people talk about it before. But we need to stay vigilant.
Think about political parties. When you say, “I’m a Republican” or “I’m a Democrat” instead of “I voted for Republicans in the last election,” or “I voted for Democrats in the last election,” you’re tethering yourself to an organization whose only aim is to maintain power. And what if they shift positions on topics, like we see happen every single year? Do you cling to your political identity at the cost of abandoning your deep values?
(The odds of your values shifting identically to those of your chosen party are almost zero, and believing otherwise is a clever trick your identity will play on you.)
In the end, our identities only care about preserving themselves. They do not care about what’s best for us or the people around us.
If your identity is “I am a good person,” but then you do something very human that doesn’t agree with that identity, you’re now facing a small crisis point. How do you acknowledge your “bad” action while preserving that identity as a “good” person?
Easy: you justify why your action was actually was the right thing to do. And this is what most people do.
But there’s another option.
If you want to be healthy about it, you loosen your grip on your identity. You learn to be okay with just being a person who tries to do the right thing and sometimes screws it up or acts selfishly instead. You learn to give a true and full apology, knowing you will mess things up and cause harm when you don’t mean to.
These are just a few examples of how our identities can cause us to justify things that we otherwise would not tolerate.
And the real harm of this? It severs your connection to yourself.
Our ability to fully connect to the world around us relies upon how connected we are to ourselves, so losing that connection is a big deal with devastating consequences.
As I’ve worked on my relationship to myself, I’ve gained enough for the process to be worth the necessary pain.
I’ve lost friends… who needed me to be someone else to be worth their time.
I’ve let parts of myself go… that were forced upon me in the first place.
I’ve felt completely lost at sea… then realized I am the ocean.
Where does the Enneagram play into this?
Every type, that is, for each core fear/desire, there is an identity that we attach to it. Actively working toward that identity can create positive outcomes, but after a certain amount of growth, that identity becomes a hindrance, just one more tether pulling us away from ourselves.
Take my earlier example. If your identity is “I am a good person,” that identity might spur you toward volunteering for organizations you care about. It might motivate you to bring over a hot dinner for your sick neighbor. And those are good things!
But when you criticize your child for something they can’t control, what then? The reality of the harm can be excruciating to face, so why face it when there’s an easier path: justification.
“I’m just trying to spare them the embarrassment later on.”
“They’re doing it wrong, so I want to help them do it correctly.”
Getting real enough for you yet?
Every Enneagram type has a specific identity or “sense of self” that functions in this way. And here they are by type:
Type 1, Reformer: “I am reasonable.”
Type 2, Helper: “I am caring.”
Type 3, Achiever: “I am outstanding.”
Type 4, Individualist: “I am sensitive.”
Type 5, Investigator: “I am perceptive.”
Type 6, Loyalist: “I am reliable.”
Type 7, Enthusiast: “I am enthusiastic.”
Type 8, Challenger: “I am strong.”
Type 9, Peacemaker: “I am peaceful.”
It’s easy to see how these identities could be uplifting. The world needs more responsible, caring, outstanding, sensitive, perceptive, reliable, enthusiastic, strong, and peaceful people!
But do you also see how they could require a person to deny the reality of their actions to preserve that self-image?
This is the identity crisis I’m talking about. We’re clinging too tightly to various identities (not just Enneagram), and when those don’t prove out 100% of the time, the identity does the thing it’s designed to do: preserve itself. And it does that to the detriment of the true self.
We see this frequently in the inciting incident of a story. We see it at the start of an argument with a spouse. We see it as the catalyst of the biggest regrets of our lives.
A threatened identity is one of our strongest triggers, but it doesn’t have to be. When we do Enneagram work, we take back control. We make the brave decision to enter the wilderness (s/o Brené Brown), to rely on our own hearts and minds to make decisions rather than letting identity take the wheel.
The question of “who am I?” becomes “what do I hope to make out of this situation?”
I won’t bullshit you here: it’s a LOT of work. There is no cruise control. But I promise you it’s worth it the next time you enter a new situation with new people and feel confident that no matter what, you’ll leave hand in hand with yourself.
I have a book coming out for authors about how to use the Enneagram to build a career that’s true to you and avoids these easy pitfalls that take us away from ourselves.
I’m launching it via Kickstarter in July. If you’d like to know when it’s live, you can sign up for updates at www.kickffs.com.
